Let’s Open the Conversation About Grief

Grief is typically a taboo topic not unlike mental illness but thankfully because of more platforms, forums, the landscape is changing. My personal history as a grief survivor for four decades afforded me to learn, witness the evolution, and offer some insights.

Grief becomes an instant buzz kill to a conversation, a deafening silence. The moment I mention the title of my memoir, Celebration of Sisters: It Is Never Too Late To Grieve, look at me with blank expressions on their faces and no words. Why? The answer is that individuals are uncomfortable with grief because of lack of knowledge, understanding, and perhaps fortunate enough to not have experienced the devastating loss or losses of a loved one. How sad that employers offer a three-day bereavement leave when often a funeral may not take place for several days waiting for funeral arrangements or family members from out of town to travel. Grief in the workplace is a topic that is now becoming in the forefront of companies hoping to develop compassion and awareness to the needs of grieving employees.

On a recent talk, to a non-grief audience, I presented a few basics on what to do and not do when someone suffers a loss and shared some personal stories.

When my father passed away, a friend called and said, “I’m on my way, tell me what you need?” Rather than ask me what I needed, she took the lead. When we suffer a loss, we are not in the right frame of mind, in a fog unable to process the grave tragedy that changed our lives in an instant. I told her I needed hard candies because of a dry throat from excess talking. In addition, I needed stoppers from the annoyance of the constant scratching noise of the kitchen chairs being pushed in and out. When my friend arrived, we turned the chairs over and placed the felt stoppers on the bottom of the chairs. Several months later, her mother passed away, and I arrived with a bag of hard candies.

I recalled years earlier, a month after my beloved sister Margie died, I sat outside on a bench waiting to pick my daughter up from kindergarten. Two of Margie’s friends stood, whispered and pointed at me. They knew of Margie’s death, never acknowledged it to my family. I went home and cried. In hindsight, I wish I handled the situation differently and had spoken to them.

Individuals are uncomfortable with grief and say things like: “Everything happens for a reason, they’re in a better place, or it’s time to move on.” All are like salt on a wound. What to say is: “I’m sorry for your loss, I wish I had the right words, please know I care, I don’t know how you feel, I remember when (say name) and share a memory. Listen to the grieving person. Don’t chatter on, sometimes quiet, a shoulder to cry on, or a holding a hand is best. Show up, be direct. “I’m bringing over a pizza, tell me what kind your family likes.” Drop off the basics that grieving families cannot think about–toilet paper, paper towels, milk, bread, coffee, and orange juice.

Amongst my bereaved siblings as we support one another, we cannot compare our grief. We unite in our themes, feelings and emotions but cannot compare our timelines or process. Some may need to cry every day, or read every piece of literature, podcast, or research on grief, some may need quiet or go for a walk. Groups may work or not feel right for others. The important message is to not grieve alone, and to have compassion for yourself and others.

​Grief is real. Grief is part of our lives. Let’s open the conversation about grief.